


My Lunch

by pcrrycox



Category: Scrubs (TV)
Genre: Drug Abuse, Established Relationship, M/M, My Lunch, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 12:27:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6424027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pcrrycox/pseuds/pcrrycox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>JDox have been together for nearly a year, since the beginning of season 5.  Instead of Perry breaking down at the end of 5x20 “My Lunch,” it's JD.  He blames himself for Jill's death and he successfully convinces Perry, Turk, Carla, and Elliot that he's perfectly okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Lunch

**Author's Note:**

> written with Carolina cdawn1022

JD manages to hide what he's going through for nearly a week and a half. He doesn't show up to work drunk, doesn't cry, doesn't really do anything out of the ordinary at all. He's almost completely himself with Perry and the rest of the group, but Jill's death is slowing eating away at him. He's been unable to sleep since it happened because every time he closes his eyes, he sees Jill's face and she's always asking him why he didn't help her.

On the day it happens, JD's shift doesn't start until a few hours after Perry's, so Perry leaves for work without JD. Perry goes about his day, waiting for three o'clock to roll around so he can see JD again. Three o'clock comes and goes and Perry starts to get worried. He pulls out his phone and dials JD's number by heart. He tries several more times, but it goes straight to voicemail each time. He immediately tells Carla who relays the information to Elliot who tells Turk.

It isn't long before Turk is in Perry's face (to be honest, he still doesn't trust Perry one hundred percent).

“Where the hell is JD?” he asks, his concern presenting itself as anger.

Perry is at a loss as to what's going on. JD had been acting completely normal and it's so unlike him not to show up for work. Perry doesn't even consider that this has anything to do with Jill because JD had seemed okay with it after the initial shock.

Over the past week, JD had been sinking deeper and deeper into a very dark place, though he didn't realize it. He was just exhausted, okay? It's not like anything was wrong, he was just having nightmares. He managed to get his hands on a prescription for sleeping pills – after all, he's a doctor. It wasn't all that difficult. He doesn't intend on taking _that_ much because he doesn't want to die. He just wants _sleep._ He shuts his phone off as his vision starts to become fuzzy. He doesn't need another distraction.

JD always talks to everyone, especially Perry, about everything that bothers him. But this totally doesn't count because it's so not a big thing. Why would he bother his friends with something so inconsequential? It's such a small thing that it's really not even a thing at all. He hit it from everyone because he's totally capable of handling it on his own. Why wouldn't he be? He's one hundred percent, totally and completely fine. He's just tired.

At this point, Perry is an absolute wreck and he can't shrug off the feeling of dread that's settled over him. On his way out of the ICU, he tells Carla over his shoulder to cover his shift. He leaves without waiting for an answer from her, but she, Turk, and Elliot don't think twice about running interference with Kelso, who's on a rampage that his two best doctors aren't at work.

Perry flies home, breaking every traffic law known to man on the way. He runs up the stairs to his and JD's apartment and throws open the door. At first glance, everything seems normal, nothing out of place. Then he notices the bedroom door is shut.

Perry walks slowly over to the door, feeling unsettled for no reason in particular. He pushes the door open robotically and turns on the light, his heart beating hard and fast. He doesn't realize that something's wrong at first. JD's asleep in the bed and Perry wonders if he didn't just take a nap and forget to set an alarm. It's then that he sees the nearly empty prescription bottle on the nightstand next to the bed. Perry realizes that JD's not mumbling in his sleep like he usually does and that his breathing is far slower and shallower than it should be. Before he can even begin to understand _why,_ he's running across the room and pulling out his phone as he checks JD's pulse.

He calls for an ambulance without paying much attention to what the operator's saying. He hangs up and leans forward to take JD's face in his hands and begs JD to stay with him. Perry manages to keep it together when the EMTs arrive, explaining the situation in a detached voice. He rides in the ambulance on the way back to the hospital, refusing to let go of JD's hand the entire time. He hadn't even thought to let Carla, Turk, and Elliot know what was happening, but they'd heard about the incoming ambulance and just sort of knew.

The attending in the ER snaps into action immediately, calling out orders to the nurses. They try to get Perry to leave so they can focus on JD, but Perry looks like he might hit someone, so they allow him to stay. Carla, Turk, and Elliot are watching from the nurses' station in horror, only knowing that JD had overdosed.

After all the commotion passes and JD is stabilized, the attending assues Perry that JD will make a full recovery and that he could regain consciousness any time. Perry thanks him in a quiet, controlled voice and as soon as the attending leaves, he breaks down. Carla steps forward at Elliot's urging since she's the best at dealing with Perry in virtually any situation, but even she has never seen Perry cry. She doesn't know what to do other than pull up a chair next to him and just _be_ with him.

Perry pulls himself together quickly, wiping at his cheeks often. He thanks Carla before asking her to leave so he can be alone with JD. She obliges, patting Perry's shoulder lightly as she leaves. She herds Turk and Elliot away toward the doctors' lounge to give Perry privacy.

JD stirs for a while before he fully wakes. He finally opens his eyes is very confused as to why he's in a hospital bed and why Perry looks like he's been crying. Perry can't even say anything at first because he's too damn grateful to see JD's eyes again.

“Perry?” JD croaks out. He wants to know what happened but isn't quite up for making full sentences yet.

Perry can't help the way his eyes start to water again as he softly presses his lips to the back of JD's hand. “Why?” he asks quietly, trying to hide the way his voice shakes.

JD's brows furrow, his exhaustion emphasizing the confused look on his face. “Wh – why what?”

“Why would you do this?” Perry asks weakly, looking up at JD as he blinks away his tears. “You could've talked to me or – or Carla or Gandhi or Elliot. You could've asked for _help._ ”

“I don't understand,” JD mumbles, looking distressed. “Why am I here?”

Perry can't possibly be angry, not when JD looks so tired and confused. “You tried to kill yourself,” he says in a whisper. “Sleeping pills.”

JD shakes his head slowly, as if in slow motion. “No, I didn't. I just wanted to sleep...”

Perry doesn't believe him, not for a second. “We don't have to talk about why right now,” he murmurs, keeping JD's hand close to his lips. “I'm just glad you're okay.”

“I _didn't_ try to kill myself,” JD says insistently. “I was having nightmares.”

Perry shakes his own head, more quickly than JD had. “So you overdosed on sleeping pills?” he asks skeptically, though he's careful to keep his voice low. “You're a doctor, JD. You've seen things like this more times than you can count, you've heard the excuses. Don't... don't do that to me.”

JD looks down at the blanket draped over him. “I haven't been... totally honest with you,” he admits, mumbling. “But I promise I wasn't trying to do _this._ ”

“Why didn't you just _talk_ to me?” Perry asks desperately. “Why did it have to come to this?”

“I just wanted to _sleep_ ,” JD says shakily, tears prickling in his eyes. “Without the dreams. I just wanted to sleep without seeing her face _over_ and _over_ again.”

“Oh, Newbie,” Perry breathes, holding JD's hand tighter. “I – I had no idea. I could've tried to help you!”

“I'm sorry,” JD whispers. “I didn't mean for this to happen.”

“You talk to me about everything,” Perry says, trying to be more gentle. “I don't understand why this was different.”

“Because I'm supposed to be able to deal with this,” JD says, still not meeting Perry's eyes. “I'm a doctor. This isn't supposed to be a big deal.”

Perry wasn't sure it was possible for his heart to break even more, but JD's words do the trick. “No on thinks that,” he says quietly. “It's okay for patients' deaths to affect you, but you have to _deal_ with them.”

“You don't,” JD says, his voice barely audible. “You never have to. You don't let it get to you.”

“I've been a doctor for a long time, JD,” Perry says slowly. “I've learned that I can't save everyone, but I still do the best I can. And sometimes... sometimes it really sucks.”

JD shakes his head. “It was my fault,” he says softly. “That's different.”

“No,” Perry says firmly, looking into JD's eyes. “Jill's death was _not_ your fault.”

Hearing someone else say her name tears into JD, creating a fresh wound. “I should've seen a sign, I could've helped her.”

Perry sighs and gets onto the bed, pulling JD to his chest. “You didn't know,” he murmurs, burying his face in JD's hair. “Just like I didn't know what _you_ were going through.”

“I'm sorry,” JD mumbles into Perry's chest, clinging to him as best he can with the IV in his hand. “I'm so sorry, Perry.”

Perry holds JD close, running a hand through JD's hair. “I just wish you'd asked for help,” he says, his voice breaking. “I could've tried – could've done _something_.”

JD doesn't respond – all his reasons for keeping it quiet don't make much sense anymore. “How's my chart?” he asks softly. “Am I okay?”

“You're okay,” Perry says soothingly, though he doesn't dare let go of JD. “You're okay.”

JD looks up at Perry. “I love you,” he says weakly.

“I love you,” Perry echoes, kissing JD's forehead. “So much. There are so many people who love you, JD. Don't forget that.”

“I know,” JD says quietly and then pauses. “Do you still think I was trying to kill myself?”

Perry sighs. “I don't know what to think,” he says after a long moment. “What would you have thought if it had been the other way around?”

“I guess I'd think that,” JD allows. “But I promise. I wasn't. I was just desperate... to get away from the nightmares and everything.”

Perry nods slowly. “Okay,” he says softly. “I believe you. But you need... help for this. You don't have to do this all on your own.”

“Clearly,” JD mumbles. “I can't handle anything.”

Perry makes a noise between disapproval and disbelief. “Why would you say that?” he asks incredulously. “You're the strongest person I know.”

JD frowns. “I had to take sleeping pills because I couldn't control my own thoughts. I can't even talk to my boyfriend about what's bothering me.”

“JD, come on, we all have moments of weakness,” Perry says seriously. “Myself included. But that doesn't mean that you're not a strong person. Look at what you've been through in your life and you've turned out... well, relatively normal.” Perry allows the smallest of smiles onto his face as he rubs JD's back.

“I'm scared, Perry,” JD breathes out suddenly, his face buried in Perry's chest.

“Why are you scared?” Perry asks gently, watching JD worriedly.

JD bites his lip as he pulls back to look up at Perry. “I took a lot of those pills. Definitely more than I need to. I wasn't _trying_ to kill myself, but do you think maybe... subconsciously...”

Perry closes his eyes for a moment, his hand pausing on JD's back. “I think only you know the answer to that,” he says quietly. “But regardless, we're gonna get you help, okay? You'll get through this.”

“Okay,” JD says tiredly, still too out of it to balk at what that entails. “Thanks, Per.”

“Anything for you, Newbie,” Perry says fondly. “You know that.”

JD smiles softly, letting himself relax against Perry. “Our anniversary's coming up, right?”

“Couple weeks,” Perry confirms as he looks down at JD.

“Something to look forward to,” JD murmurs. “We should do something special.”

“Well, I already have something planned,” Perry tells him. “A few things, actually.”

“Oh,” JD says with a small laugh. “Of course you did. Should've known.”

Perry smiles genuinely for the first time. “It's really good to hear you laugh,” he says softly as he watches JD.

JD's smile drops immediately. “I guess I haven't been laughing much lately.”

Perry's own face falls. “I should've been paying more attention to you,” he says regretfully. “I can't imagine what you've been going through.”

“It's not your fault,” JD says quickly. “I should have told you.”

“It's no one's fault,” Perry says firmly. “Just know that there's nothing you could do or say to make me stop loving you. You can always come to me if you need help.”

“I'll try,” JD says slowly. “I promise.”

“That's all I can ask,” Perry says quietly. He kisses the top of JD's head. “We'll celebrate in a couple weeks when you're feeling better.”

“On our anniversary,” JD says confidently.

“It's been a good year,” Perry says, more to himself than to JD. “A really good year.”

“I just wanted to _forget_ ,” JD mutters. “Nothing else worked. Not that I tried much, I guess.”

“It's okay,” Perry says soothingly as he pulls JD closer. “You're okay. It'll get easier, I promise.”

“How can I even distract myself from this?” JD asks hopelessly.

“I don't think you need a distraction,” Perry says, hating how hopeless JD sounds. “I think this is something you have to face head-on. But you've got me now.”

JD shakes his head. “I can't. I'm not strong enough.”

Perry lifts JD's chin and looks into his eyes. “You don't know how strong you are,” he says, looking pained. “You're stronger than me and every other person in this place.”

“I'm not the first doctor to lose a patient like that, Perry,” JD says, sounding angry at himself. “How many of _them_ accidentally overdose on sleeping pills?”

“Why are you so concerned with what everyone else does?” Perry asks. “You're holding yourself to all these ridiculous standards when what you should be doing is taking care of yourself.”

“Well, I don't know how to do that,” JD says in defeat. He buries his face in the crook of Perry's neck, just wanting to feel secure.

“You'll get there,” Perry says reassuringly, wrapping his arms around JD tightly. “If you don't believe anything else I've said today, believe that.”

JD nods, his eyes closing. “Okay,” he whispers. “I believe you.”

 


End file.
